Man Sparks Debate After His New Fiancée Refuses to Take off Her Old Engagement Ring From Her Dead Fiancé
A newly engaged man wants to know if he was in the wrong for expecting his fiancée to remove her old engagement ring given to her by her former fiancé who had tragically passed away in an accident.
Explaining how he met his future bride, the anonymous man said that she was upfront with him about wearing the ring ever since their first date but that he still thought she should remove it now that he was on the scene.
My fiancée (M) was engaged before me. Her fiancé passed away in a pedestrian car accident three and a half years ago. We met a year and a half after he passed on tinder.
On our first date she told me what happened and then I noticed an engagement ring on her right-hand ring finger. I didn’t say anything. A couple of months in I brought it up and M said that she will wear the ring on her right hand until the day she dies. She said she understood if it was a dealbreaker but that’s how it has to be. I was fine with it thinking it was a temporary coping thing. When I first went over her house (she owned it with him) I saw pictures of him, the life they lived, etc. It felt weird.
Present time. We are engaged and even booked a venue for 2021. She did sell her house about 8 months into our relationship and packed away the photos. She bought a condo for herself that I moved into when we got engaged. But that ring is still on her right finger. I really figured she just needed more time to heal and that after we got engaged she would take it off. We had a heart to heart last night and I told her this and that it bothered me. M said that she’s sorry that it bothers me and that she will not take it off, not now or ever. She says she already told me this when we met and I continued seeing her. Am I in the wrong to think that it was a temporary grieving process?
M said that there’s plenty of room in her heart for me but that she lost a part of herself when he passed and that she will keep the ring on. I can’t help but think I’m competing with a ghost. That she never would have wanted me if he was still alive. What happens when we die and hypothetically there’s a heaven. She meets back up with this guy and my ghost is shit out of luck. Not trying to be funny and I know it sounds dumb but why does she have to wear that ring?
She wears my ring on her left hand the typical engagement way and she wears his on the right.
The commenters mostly agreed that this man was in the wrong, having been told from the beginning that his bride-to-be was planning to continue to wear her dead fiancé’s ring forever.
“She was upfront with you and your assumption this was just part of her coping was just that- an assumption. It directly contradicted the information she gave you. It’d be like if you wanted kids and she told you upfront early in the relationship that she didn’t, and later on you started asking her when she’d be ready to think about having kids because you figured she’d come around eventually. Additionally, it’s a very common and old tradition to wear your wedding ring on your right hand if you’ve been widowed. Her doing this with the engagement ring makes sense,” wrote one commenter.
“And I’m very sorry if this sounds harsh,” they continued, “but I feel like you need to reckon with it- if he didn’t die she probably wouldn’t be with you. They’d be married. She didn’t get dumped, he’s not in jail, he didn’t abandon her- your partner (who loves you) was robbed of someone she fully intended on spending the rest of her life with. Her loving you and wanting to marry you doesn’t erase the reality she lived through with this other man and doesn’t un-imagine her impending life with him. She can love you and your life together while still mourning the life she lost with him. It’s not all black and white like you’re trying to make it.”
But on the other hand (pun fully intended), others disagreed and thought it was disrespectful for her to insist on wearing another man’s engagement ring.
“That’s a really tough situation. It’s impossible to put myself in her position but I think if it were me I’d just keep the ring in a safe place. Wearing it does sort of seem weird, like it’s a constant reminder of him for her and for you,” advised another.
“The ring symbolises that she still hasn’t let go. I get that she said that she would always wear it when you started dating but you are allowed to change your mind. She’s putting you in a place of chronically feeling insecure because she can’t fully let go.”
What do you think? Is it reasonable to expect your new love to remove all reminders of a deceased loved one?