Real Housewives of Melbourne – Episode 3

First off the mark are Chyka and Lydia lunching at The Smith. Lydia waltzes in and announces how hungry she is and goes on to order a cocktail. With Kiwi. Because it keeps you regular.

Lydia is off to Florence for her son’s wedding on Friday and is having mixed feelings about the prospect of being a grandma soon!

Chyka soon distracts her from this horrifying thought by divulging some gossip of her own. She tells Lydia about the whole Gamble being a ‘so called stripper’ rumour. Lydia is filled with glee, not by the news she’s just been given but by the fact that Chyka is actually spreading some gossip. Seems like Ms. Switzerland may be no more!

We then see Jackie and Ben in the studio filming a commercial for their search for the new face of La Mascara. I love the fact that Jackie is having so much trouble with the pronunciation of her own product. Ben keeps correcting her LA MASC-ARA baby! Jackie gets her own back with her “Entry is easy” line. This sets everyone in the room into fits of laughter! Ben is rolling on the ground like a little school boy who has just heard his teacher say a rude word. Ben and Jackie have a lovely energy about them. They seem to genuinely enjoy each others company. And Jackie’s one liners- “I’ve never gone to a court to play golf before. What are balls in holes anyway?” Best!

Next we see Pettifleur having a business meeting with her eye brow lady, who also happens to be her co-author for Switch the Bitch. After the conversation they had though I seriously doubt there will be another name on the cover other than Miss Littleflower’s.

Pettifleur asked Charlie how many chapters she has written to which she replies 10. PF one ups her and says well I’ve written 20.

Once Charlie tells her what her chapters are about, PF then proceeds to tell her that it’s just not going to work. Her ideas suck and are not going to blend in with hers. Again PF tries to explain what this book is all about, but all she manages to do is confuse us all again. She then starts crying because she’s so amazing and has worked so hard and deserves to be top bitch. “Blah blah blah…Let’s market this book to Asia. There’s a lot of crazy Chinese bitches out there!” Yep. I’m sure there are little flower, none of which will be buying your book, that’s for sure!

Arriving at the Chadstone Icons of Style Runway show, Gamble is ready for action. Jackie and Janet are already there and Gamble doesn’t waste any time in telling Janet what she thinks of her rumour spreading.

“You called me a pole dancer!” she accuses Janet.

“I said stripper!” replies Janet.

This slowly degenerates to a screaming match between the two women where Gamble accuses Janet of selling her body for heroin while simultaneously coming up with the newest dance craze of 2015. The EEEEVVVVEERRRYBODDDY in Melbourne move…

In a very weird scene, we see old friends Lydia and Shane Warne talking Poker. There’s a lot of sexual innuendo talk like nuts, back door and the flop. Apparently these are all Poker terms but I can’t be too sure as this moment bored me to tears and I tuned out very quickly.

The award for most grounded and dedicated has to go to Rick, Gamble’s fiancé. We see Gamble relaying the events of how Janet and Chyka are spreading rumours about her being a call girl to Rick. He genuinely seems to be worried about Gamble and reassures her that they are in this together and that he will stick by her side no matter what. He really struck gold when he said “If you scream and shout too much about all this, people may start believing it’s true.” Hmmm, wonder what he knows…

We then see Chyka in the closet with her daughter Chessie going through her rainbow coloured clothes and hundreds of pairs of Jimmy Choos! Chyka actually turned her son’s room into her own walk in wardrobe, which I think is a genius idea! Although I hope the son was given somewhere else to sleep- maybe in a Louis Vuitton carry on. I swear, some people hoard lollies in their cupboards, Chyka hoards Guccis and Pradas!!

Janet’s friend Manuela will no doubt be in next season’s Housewives as a cast member herself. She has everything that’s needed to be on the show:

A sweet side: “Oh, hi Janet, you look wonderful!”

A bitchy side: “Your extensions are crooked. He did a terrible job!”

A cocky side: “Janet, you and I run this town!”

A funny side: “Is that a stripper move?”

And finally the side that doesn’t move. Her face.

Her and Janet had a lovely lunch of duck and champagne while relishing in their mean girl conversation about how much of a prostitute Gamble is. I’m putting it out there, I think Manuela started this whole rumour about Gamble herself. Just saying.

In the final scene we see Gamble asking Gina for some legal advice about what to do with the slanderous gossip from Janet. I’m sure Gina had some amazing and vey profound words for Gamble but I seriously couldn’t concentrate. I couldn’t keep my eyes away from Gina struggling to keep her puppies from falling out of her dress and into her appetiser. Seriously Gina- can you please, pretty please chuck on a pair of trackies and a Bonds tshirt. Please!

Tune in next week folks and see if Gina wears her trademark stilettos to the golf court for a round of balls in holes. See you all then.

Image source: Twitter: @RHOMelbourne

Watch Real Housewives of Melbourne on Arena on Sundays 8.30PM EDT

Author: Chrystal Psaltopoulos Mother of twins, loving wife and vintage tragic. A child of the 80s who loves pop culture, Danish design and vegemite toast with honey. Loves fashion, reading autobiographies and has a knack for turning trash to treasure. Chrystal’s honest reflections are an insight into her colourful and at times crazy world. You can follow her blog at chrystalovevintage.wordpress.com