Real Housewives of Melbourne – Episode 9

After a very eventful trip to the Philippines the ladies are back on home turf in Melbourne. We see the loved up Jackie and Ben exchange some cute couple banter. It seems Jackie has added a new word to her ever, expanding vocabulary. Couture is the flavour of the month and Ben explains just how much Jacks loves to use the word. We’re also privy to hearing the F word more times in the first 5 minutes of housewives than a whole episode of Jersey Shore! In Jackie’s defence though- she was relaying the Gina incident from the Philippines to Ben. And let’s be honest, when talking about Gina, it’s nearly impossible not to drop the F bomb a few times!

Next we take a look into Lady Lydia’s newly renovated house. It’s all marble, mirrors, boobs and dishwashers. Yes, plural. Apparently one dishwasher isn’t enough because “I don’t have time to wait for the cycle to finish.” Why is that Lydia? Is it because you’re too busy ordering your maid around? Puleeeeease!! Lydia seriously needs to take a reality pill, stat!

It may have taken 9 episodes for Gamble and Gina to morph into the one person but it did finally happen! We see them both in matching bedazzled dresses sitting in the back of a limo on their way to Janet’s tea launch.

Let me just insert here that I think it’s interesting to note that most of the ladies seem to be on this show spruiking their businesses and getting their brands out there.

We have Janet with her Tea range, Jackie with La Mascara, Gina and her shoes, Petit Fleur promoting her book and last but not least Gamble and her circa 90’s Christina Aguilera hair extensions.

In all seriousness though, I do think it’s very admirable and heart warming to learn that the reason behind Janet’s tea range is to raise money for burns victims like her son. How lovely to see him there, with his mother celebrating and taking an active role in life after having to deal with such a horrific accident. I truly wish them both all the best and continued health and success!

Just as the party seemed to be going along smoothly, in walked pig man Carlos to shake things up. Remember it was Carlos that told Janet about the rumours regarding Gamble and her alleged sex parties. Upon his arrival to the ladies table, Gamble took no time at all in asking him why he started all these disgusting rumours. One thing led to another and before you knew it Carlos let it slip that he had photos of Gamble that supported his story!

Poor Carlos really is an amateur when dealing with these women. He not only had to answer Gamble’s constant questioning but he also had to deal with Judge Gina badgering him to disclose information regarding the photos.

Who has the photos?

What are they of?

Were they on social media?

Is Gamble naked?

Is she topless?

Is she giving oral sex?

What?

Carlos knew he wouldn’t come out of this alive so he did what any decent human being would do. He lied. He told Gina the photo was just of Gamble sitting down, fully dressed. Gina and Gamble both bought it and Carlos got to walk away with balls in tact.

Lady Lydia delivers one of her philosophical lines yet again about Petit Fleur this time. It seems PF’s accent is one of continued mystery. Not quite able to put her finger on where it comes from she proclaims- “It’s a Mediterranean accent…no wait…it’s just not an Australian accent.” No shit Sherlock.

PF also confronts Gina about why she continues to make fun of her accent. Gina asks her Do you think I’m racist? To which PF replies- Do you think you’re racist?

Do you think I am?

I don’t know, are you racist?

I’m not racist. Are you implying I am?

No, do you think you are?

And on and on it went until Gina said – Well, if PF is implying I’m racist then she’s stupid. Oh good, well that settles it then!

Gina has decided to launch a shoe range because as she put it, although she’s a barrister her first love is fashion. Apparently she’s been in the fashion industry since 1985 and frankly she’s still stuck there. Her shoe range features a variety of rhinestone covered stripper heels. They’re big and shiny just like Gina herself. The shoes have red soles, very much like a certain designer heel. Petit Fleur was very quick to point this out to Gina and explained that Louboutin sued YSL when they tried to copy the red sole. Gina gave her a very non descript answer which either means she’s got it covered and knows what she’s doing or she’s up shit creek without a paddle. Hard to tell with Gina.

Gina decided to name a shoe after each one of the ladies and surprised them with it at the launch. This did not go down very well with any of them. Janet felt she got the ugliest shoe and PF wasn’t happy that someone else was using her unique name for their own brand.

The highlight of the shoe launch for me though was definitely seeing Gamble and her fiancé busting out their Kath and Kim dance moves on the dance floor. It was like no one else existed in the room. Not sure if that was romantic or just plain creepy.

Has anyone seen the movie Death Becomes Her with Goldie Hawn and Meryl Streep? I truly felt I was watching a snippet from that movie when Gamble was sitting down talking with her sister Tempest. Tempest had just had surgery on her face and was bandaged up to hide all the bruising. According to Gamble, the $50,000 price tag of the surgery was totally worth it because it equated to $5,000 a year for 10 years. Which is a small price to pay to keep yourself looking good. I totally agree! If that’s where you choose to spend your money- then more power to you sister. My concern is when surgery changes your appearance all together and you no longer look like yourself. Was it just me or did anyone else notice the resemblance to Magda Szubanski when Tempest took her bandages and sunglasses off?! Weird.

The episode finished with Jackie’s La Mascara Garden Party where the theme was 50’s vintage. I must say all the ladies looked beautiful and the event looked like a lot of fun. Set in the perfectly manicured gardens of Rippon Lea, there were vintage caravans, croquet, badminton and lots of cocktails. There was more shoe talk regarding Gina’s use of names without getting any permission. Petit Fleur was especially upset with Gina and didn’t want her to use her name to sell a shoe. She gave Gina a few alternative names to use. Amongst them were Honey, Honey Dip and Black Bitch. I seriously don’t know what’s worse. The fact that PF said Black Bitch or that Honey Dip is her nickname. Gross all round. Gina just dismissed her and stated that she would get rid of the name Petit Fleur all together and call them something completely different.

Jackie did a total Lydia tonight and left the La Mascara party in a helicopter. She had to get to the airport to catch a flight and frankly, why drive when you can fly? Why indeed. It was all very rockstar until Jackie realised she still had the keys to her car in her handbag. The helicopter turned back and Jackie threw the keys onto the lawn for Ben to fetch. Classic Jackie moment.

Catch the Housewives next week to see exactly what Lydia is doing with all her spare time now that she doesn’t have to wait for the dishwasher to finish.

Image source: Twitter: @RHOMelbourne

Watch Real Housewives of Melbourne on Arena on Sundays 8.30PM EDT

Chrystal Psaltopoulos Mother of twins, loving wife and vintage tragic. A child of the 80s who loves pop culture, Danish design and vegemite toast with honey. Loves fashion, reading autobiographies and has a knack for turning trash to treasure. Chrystal’s honest reflections are an insight into her colourful and at times crazy world. You can follow her blog at chrystalovevintage.wordpress.com