If you’ve ever been handed down a piece of jewellery from a loved one that has died, you’ll know that the sentimental value it holds makes it irreplaceable. In fact, most people understand the significance…all except one guy who thought that the solution to the heartache his wife felt when she lost her grandmother’s ring was to commission a replica, and then try to pass it off as the original!
Was his heart in the right place? Yes, of course.
Was he horribly misguided and a total idiot for attempting to execute his plan? Also, yes!
A few months ago, my (M44) wife (F43) lost a ring given to her by her late grandmother. My wife was really close to her grandmother, so needless to say, the ring held significant sentimental value for her. Also, given that her grandmother died last year, it was a particularly painful blow.
We searched high and low but never found it. After it was missing for about a month and my wife started losing hope, I decided that I’d have the ring replicated. We did have quite a few pictures of the ring, so I thought it could potentially be done. I did suggest the idea to my wife, but she didn’t seem very receptive to it. She said things along the lines of how it couldn’t be done and how it wouldn’t be a replacement for the one her grandmother gave her. However, she didn’t expressly say she would not allow me to replicate it.
I ended up taking the pictures to a jeweller and described the piece to the best of my abilities. Two months and 9k later, the ring was ready. I will admit that I kept all of this secret from my wife, and the day it was ready, I cancelled work to pick it up and placed it between two sofa cushions that my wife usually sits around. I didn’t want to present her with the ring, as I thought she wouldn’t like that based on our conversation earlier. Fast forward a few days, and my wife “finds” the ring. She’s overjoyed, happier than I’ve seen in a long time. I congratulated her on “finding it” and thought that was that.
Recently, my wife started questioning the ring. For the past few weeks, she’s been telling me things like how it feels a bit different. Today, when I got back from work, my wife started asking me about the ring. She was saying things like how it felt different and how it looked different. I’ll save you most of the details, but in summary, after about 5 minutes of grilling me, I confessed about having the ring replicated.
To say she was furious would be an understatement. Basically, she yelled at me for being dishonest, claimed that I was acting like being married to her was charity, and also said that I had insulted her intelligence and embarrassed her in front of her friends and family, as she told them all that she found the ring. I apologized and told her that I didn’t want to see her depressed, but she refused to listen.
She ended up locking herself in our bedroom. I tried apologizing again, but all she did was slide the ring under the door towards me. All this just made me confused and conflicted about the entire situation.
AITA for getting her ring replaced?
People in the comments section were quick to clear up any confusion for him.
But let me explain. When your wife “found” the ring, she didn’t just find a lump of metal and rock. She found a lost connection to her grandmother. She found memories and love.
And when she found out the ring was a replica, she lost her grandmother again. She lost those memories and that connection. She’s been hit by a wall of grief all over again, but this time. You’re to blame.
Your heart was absolutely in the right place, but you really messed up. Apologise to her for causing that pain. Suggest that maybe the ring can be a new heirloom for you both to attach your own memories to, but also in honour of her grandmother. It can never be the original, and you were wrong to pretend it could, but you hope that maybe, it can be a link to those memories, and ones that you will create together.
And if you lied about the 9k you spent in secret. You’re in even more trouble.
As many people pointed out to him, as he was clearly struggling to understand why his deception was such an issue, it’s was his decision to lie and let her believe it was her grandmother’s ring that was the problem.
YTA, not for getting it replicated, but for lying.
It’s clear that you did what you did out of love, but I totally understand why your wife would feel like it’s a violation of trust. You probably made her feel like a moron, since she went on and on about how happy she was to “find it” while you knew the whole time that you had placed it there for her. That’s how I would feel in her shoes. I would feel humiliated, and then infuriated.
That ring had huge sentimental value to her, and the new one just won’t have that. But you pretended that it was the same one, and that was obviously going to hurt when the truth was revealed.
As someone else has pointed out, if you’d just given her the replica and said something like “This can’t replace the lost one, but I wanted you to have something to remind you of it at least” she probably would have been thrilled and touched over how thoughtful and kind such an act would be. But you poisoned that ring in her mind by lying about it from the start.
YTA. You aren’t the asshole for getting her ring replaced. You’re the asshole for lying to her about it.
Your wife gave no signs that she was ready to replace the ring, and she did say things that meant she was against it. You decided to do it anyway, and then hide it so she’d “find” it.
This is the way you treat a toddler, not a full-grown woman. You should have respected her decision, and you absolutely should never, ever lie to her for her own benefit. (ThingsWithStrings)
One commenter suggested the three part apology technique to try to patch things up with his wife.
So you know the three part apology? Acknowledge what you did wrong (I tried to trick you with a new ring, and the hiding and lying was wrong), what your plan is to not be in this situation again (I will listen more carefully when you tell me how you are feeling, and be honest if I am replacing a lost item. I won’t try to trick you, or lie to you, about gifts ever again) and ask for forgiveness. It’s not on her to come up with a redemption plan. You broke her trust by lying to her, you need to fix it. (Glittering-knave)
Unsurprisingly, (to everyone except the husband) everyone agreed that yes, in this instance, he was most definitely, no-two-ways-about-it, the arsehole!
What do you think? Would you be able to forgive someone if they did this to you?