Why do Nice People Have to Turn into Complete Assholes When They Split Up?
Having been through a divorce myself and having watched numerous friends go through them I think I’ve seen and heard enough horror stories that I just feel the need to talk about it. Cause frankly I’m mad.
And before I get started – I’m not talking about divorces or splits between partners where there is domestic violence or substance abuse problems already existing in the relationship where things go even more pear-shaped once things are ended.
What I’m talking about are the seemingly average, everyday couples who fall in love, end up together for whatever period of time, have some kids together and then when things don’t work out and one person puts their hand up and says “time to move on”, things go INSANE. Usually started by the person left behind.
If my husband came home this afternoon and said “sorry mate, but I’m just not that into you anymore and I think we should split up” I would be devastated. I would be a train-wreck. Emotionally and mentally bereft. I would be angry. I would be hurt. I would be confused and sad and all the other bat-shit crazy feelings. I would also be frightened of the future – financially and otherwise and the mere thought of having to face the horrors of internet dating trying to find a new partner, well – yeah. The whole thing screams horrific nightmare to me.
But….despite all of that would I:
1. Relentlessly stalk my now ex-partner, on Facebook, by text, hide outside his work or new residence?
2. Threaten or attempt to blackmail him?
3. Scream and throw things at him in front of our children while they cower in a corner?
4. Physically attack him, punching and clawing at his face? Again in front of our children?
5. Empty out joint bank accounts and hide the money?
6. Take advantage of any existing credit cards or overdrafts and max them out?
7. Siphon money off our mortgage and hide it in a secret account?
8. Dispose of his possessions by selling or destroying them?
9. Bad-mouth him to every single person I know again, in front of our children?
10. Attempt to alienate our children from him by telling them lies about him?
11. Refuse to allow him access to our children?
12. Take out a restraining order on him just because I can?
13. Refuse to co-operate with legal proceedings by failing to provide requested documents?
14. Drag out the entire legal separation for years so that both of us are paying through the nose in legal fees and we end up with way less than what we could’ve because of spite?
15. Play games with pick-up and drop-off times for the kids, bend rules and confuse the kids to try and score points?
and a whole host of other things?
No. I would not. It is cruel and unnecessary, spiteful, time-consuming, exhausting and just an ass-hole way to behave. But all of the above and more have featured heavily in the lives of friends who have split up over recent times and it is heart-breaking to watch. And it’s hard to listen to and frustrating because nothing anyone says or does can be of any help such is the state of our current legal system.
And almost without fail, it’s the party that gets left that causes all the drama. Relationships (despite the vows made on the wedding day) split up for a myriad of reasons. And yes of course it’s going to be hard. And yes of course it’s going to hurt. Maybe they cheated or found someone new so the need for revenge and punishment is at the forefront of every waking thought.
But someone has to be the hero. When there’s kids involved, we need to put aside our feelings and think about what’s best for them. Find a way to continue to co-exist in our roles as parents that allows both to have a healthy, positive, active role in their lives. Because whether we like it or not, the other parent is going to be around forever and be invited to or be present at plays, games, birthdays, celebrations, graduations, their weddings, the birth of their babies and every other event. They need to come first and be a priority.
So if you or someone you know is acting this way, maybe show them this article and tell them maybe it’s time to grow up, move on, pick up your ego and just get the hell over it.