People Share What They Learned About Sex at a Young Age That Turned Out to Be Completely Wrong
When it comes to sexual education, some people really manage to balls it up. Whether their parents only taught them the vagueries of reproduction only for it to be never spoken of again or whether they relied solely on their teachers to educate them, there are a lot of people out there that had no clue what actually goes on until they were adults and filled in the gaps themselves.
This leaves a whole bunch of kids wandering about forming half-cocked ideas about what sex is, sharing misinformation, and generally screwing it all up.
Over on Reddit, someone creatively called u/i_ata_starfish-twice asked people to share all the things they learned about sex when they were young that turned out to be completely wrong and the response was both overwhelmingly entertaining and hilarious. Here are the best answers.
🍑 “I don’t know if I learned it, but when I first heard the sexual term “eat out” I thought it meant literally eating a food out of a girl’s vagina not just regular oral sex” ~ 69ingJamesFranco
🍆 “Blow jobs and giving head were two different things. You sucked when giving head, and blew for a bj. Obviously.” ~ spookyybear
🍑 “That guys penises just kept growing longer the older they got, and they just rolled them up in their pants like a cinnamon roll.” ~ hisspaceprincess
🍆 “My friend told me the only way to get rid of a boner was to rub it against furniture. I was 10 at the time.” ~ Chinpo88
🍑 “I don’t remember her exact phrasing, but I somehow completely misunderstood when my mom told me about condoms. What I imagined was like a large, blunt-tipped, and sticky thumbtack… that would somehow… plug up the penis so semen/sperm couldn’t get out. Yep. Edit: here’s a diagram for those visual folks.” ~ zeeleezae
🍆 “I was under the impression that the penis went into the vagina and vibrated. No pumping required. If only!” ~ shannoncol
🍑 “Watching late-night Cinemax when I was a kid. Women would only moan when their nipples were exposed. I assumed, as a pre-adolescent boy, that whenever a woman became topless, she would moan.” ~ Stereo-Brain
🍆 “I thought that women had to orgasm to get pregnant. In hindsight, I was happier not knowing the truth, like when I thought ponies were baby horses. Ignorance is bliss sometimes.” ~ Bungled_Bengal
🍑 “I thought that condoms were the black censor bars from TV and constantly racked my brain on the sexual logistics.” ~ jjgp1112
🍆 “Oh man, in 3rd grade all my friends said was a condom made sure the girl didn’t get pregnant or aids. In my mind a condom was like a police officer that watched and made sure you didn’t go for too long.” ~ Thedirtyone522
🍑 “When you insert your penis, a constant stream of sperm will start coming out your dick and stop as soon you take it out. Yeah they never explained how ejaculation works. I don’t know how I thought the dick somehow knew what was going on.” ~ Digibollocks
🍆 “I started masturbating at a very young age, but I had no idea what I was doing at all and I 100% believed I was the only person in the entire world who was doing it.” ~ DystopianDiscoParty
🍑 “In sex ed I learned the mechanics of sex but not that there was any movement. So for a while, when I was a kid, I thought you just inserted tab A into slot B and waited.” ~ amurderofcrows
🍆 “I was like 9 yrs old and my dad (presumably) had left porn in the VCR. I went to go play something and it instantly came on.
It was some weird scene in a kitchen. Food all over the place. About 10 seconds in, this dude jizzes a POOL of cum onto the girl’s face and I thought it looked like egg whites. I HATED eggs. I gagged hard, turned it off immediately, and ran shuddering.
I had heard about women having eggs, but saw the egg white come out of the dude, so my brain put it together that the guy had egg whites and the girl had the yolks. I was terrified that I was going to shoot egg whites out of my dick one day. I genuinely thought that for a couple years. I couldn’t even look at eggs. I thought about it every time I saw eggs and my mom and dad always had egg sandwiches together on Sunday mornings.
Fuck egg sandwiches.” ~ howdoimakeafakename
And finally, the best story of the lot…
🍑 “When I was in grade 5, they separated the boys and girls for health/sex ed class. I’m with the rest of the boys. The teacher is talking about erections. I’ve got a ton of respect for teachers and can’t imagine how I could maintain order and keep a straight face while teaching that to a room full of immature young boys, but my teacher at the time did just that. Mostly.
One of the boys who felt the need to try to boast about the size of his dick during that class made a wonderful error in judgment that he would soon learn that his knowledge about the birds and the bees was very wrong. He claimed to the class that he had to have his boner xrayed by the doctors for some reason and that it showed he had a very large bone. With a stone cold response, the teacher announced to the class that “Rodney, if they xrayed your penis it would show nothing.” Took the teacher probably 10 minutes or more to get the class to settle down after that. Dickless Rodney earned a new nickname that day.” ~ TheSlurpeeKing
Brilliant!! Which one was your favourite? Or do you have one of your own to share? Let us know in the comments!
You can read the full thread on Reddit here.
Source: Giphy and Tenor